Here is the fourth of my five entries for the week. As always, may the Idol gods be kind and generous...
From: God thebigG777@godmail.com
Date: Tuesday July 31, 2012 5:31pm
Subject: Vacation Time
To Whom it May Concern (and this concerns everybody),
It truly pains Me beyond belief to begin a missive to you all by quoting that mindless twit, Ann Romney. But to borrow a phrase from her, it is painfully obvious that “you people” down there have absolutely ZERO [expletive deleted] clue what it is that I do up here. To hear some of you tell it, you all must think that I sit up here on my ivory throne eating bon-bons, watching television and harvesting My belly-button lint. And because you think I’m sitting around on my Almighty arse doing nothing all day, I must be waiting for each and every one of your prayers to come in like a Twitter feed so that I can turn around and answer them like instantaneously! Are you even kidding Me with that [expletive deleted]?
Look, I don’t expect you to understand but running a Universe is some serious back-breaking, ball-busting work! Think of it this way… Try running every single facet of the company that you work for and then on top of that, throw in fourteen billion people calling you, emailing you, shouting your name (and not always in a good way) or tugging on your sleeve like an impatient 5-year old who just wet their pants every minute of every hour of every day to beg you to do them a solid. Think you can handle all of that? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Let Me tell you, it’s brutal. I’m on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. And unlike some of you all, I can’t call in sick and I can’t take a vacation.
Let Me be frank here, for a moment. You people (there’s that charming phrase again, thanks Ann. ha ha) are killing Me. Flat out [expletive deleted] killing Me.
I’m sitting up here watching what’s going on down there and let Me just say, WTF? Wars, genocides, gay-bashing, financial collapses, bankers ruining the lives of millions while they take in multi-million dollar bonuses, people dying from simple illnesses because they couldn’t afford the doctor’s bills, the Tea Party, poor people being blamed for everything from the Kennedy assassination to global warming, the big oil companies ruining the environment and gouging people at the pump while making record profits year after year after year. All of this has led Me to this one, simple question:
WHAT IN THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY-STICKS ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING DOWN THERE???
I gave you the Garden of Eden, I gave you intelligent thought and the capacity to learn and to think for yourselves. I gave you the ability to feel, compassion, kindness and a loving soul. I told you to love one another, to be gentle, to be kind and to treat each other like your own brothers and sisters. I told you to care for the poor and the sick. I told you to heal their wounds, clothe them, feed them and treat them with love and compassion. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere before… oh yeah, it was in the [expletive deleted] BIBLE you all claim to love so well! I told you *ALL* of these things and more! There was no gray area.
Apparently I erred with that the whole “free will” thing because y’all have made a hash out of the world I gave you and the rules I set down. Not to mention that you have misinterpreted the [expletive deleted] out of just about everything I said! What is with… you people???
Look, I need a break. I need to get out of here and away from you people for a while. Call it a mental health day… maybe a mental health millennia, I don’t know yet. But before I go, let me just lay this out for you. Since the first 10 Commandments I sent down clearly didn’t stick, I think I need to reinforce that lesson a bit. Knowing that times have changed, let Me show you that I’m a “with it” deity and update those bad boys. No, the first 10 aren’t going anywhere so stop getting any ideas about murdering your parents or coveting your neighbor’s wife (not that I can blame you in some cases if you know what I mean, *wink wink nudge nudge* But they are still off limits!), I’m just adding a few more onto the list since you people (I’m really starting to like that phrase) seem to need a [expletive deleted] babysitter to wipe your noses for you.
So without further ado, I present to you, some more Commandments that are effective immediately:
1. Thou shall not be a greedy, money-grubbing prick who steps on, pushes down or otherwise screws over your fellow man for profit.
2. Thou shall not deny medical care to somebody simply because they cannot afford it. (some people call it Universal Healthcare but let’s call it what it really is… GODCare because that’s what *I* demanded of you way back in the day!)
3. Thou shall stop presuming to speak for Me. (ie: saying I *do* like this or *don’t* like that) I don’t hate” fags,” I don’t hate immigrants, I don’t hate murder victims, the poor, soldiers or Democrats. And I especially don’t hate the Swedes. What the [expletive deleted] did the Swedes ever do to you anyway?
4. Thou shall actually read the [expletive deleted] Bible if thou proclaims to be an authority on it.
5. Thou shall use that [expletive deleted] brain I gave thou to THINK for thouselves! That’s right, turn off the Fox News, stop listening to Rush, Hannity, Malkin, Coulter, O’Reilly and the billion other talking heads down there… or at least counterbalance that garbage with a brain enema and then actually crack a book, read an article, take a class, talk to somebody who doesn’t believe every single thing you do… do something productive with that gelatinous lump of meaty gray stuff in your skull for a change!
6. Thou shall stop spewing lies! Yeah I know, this one was covered before but some people are seriously not [expletive deleted] getting it so I’m feeling the need to make this crystal clear. STOP LYING! How hard is that? Yeah, I’m side-eyeing you, Mitt Romney.
7. Thou shall STOP being a bigoted [expletive deleted] Do you really think a couple in love who happen to be of the same gender are REALLY a threat to your marriage? Do you really think that somebody who is black, Hispanic, poor or a woman (among other things) is automatically less than you because of that? If so, please do me a favor and get off my planet now.
8. Thou shall stop listening to and encouraging Justin Bieber and those of his ilk. Seriously folks, what is up with this whole Bieber-fever thing? I give you the capacity to make music that can inspire the mind, nourish the soul, move the body and make the angels weep and you give us… that? Seriously? Thanks for a whole lot of nothing! (okay, this one may be a little self-serving, but I’m GOD so deal with it!)
9. Thou shall pull up thy damn pants! C’mon people, it is so unattractive, not to mention a health hazard to wear your pants around your knees with your dirty drawers all hanging out. That goes for you girls too… you may think it’s “hot” to have your thong all sticking out there too but trust me, it’s not. Personally, I hate sitting down to a nice hearty French Dip sammich and watching somebody flounce on by with their pants down and their butts out. Instant appetite killer. So seriously, KNOCK IT OFF!
And finally… probably the most important of My Commandments…
10. THOU SHALL NOT BE A DOUCHENOZZLE. What this means for you people is… love each other. Treat each other with kindness and respect. Look out and care for your fellow man. If somebody is down, help lift them up instead of kicking them again! We are indeed our brother’s keeper and we need to start believing it and living by that. Despite the struggle I see so many people have with this idea, it really isn’t that freaking hard of a concept! Come on people!
So there you go, boys and girls. 10 spiffy new Commandments to complement the 10 old ones. This should provide you with a pretty carefully constructed roadmap for living your life. Read them. Learn them. Know them. Love them. Live them.
Well, I should probably bring this missive to a close. I’ve got a cold boat drink and a hot little cocktail waitress all lined up, ready and waiting for me. If I’m lucky, I’ll even get some skee-ball in. Before you ask, no I won’t tell you where I’m heading. I’m totally unplugging and going off the grid. I just need to get away from you people for a bit. You can direct all of your prayers and requests to ol’ St. Peter. That old kook doesn’t have enough to do anyway and I will be completely incommunicado. So good luck to you and in my absence, try to not bring about the end of the world while I’m gone.
G-Dizzle (see? I’m hep!)
This has been my entry for therealljidol Season 8, Topic 36B: Artifice. Thank you guys so freaking much for keeping me in the game this long. I have no idea what to expect this week so I guess you'll find out right along with me! Thank you SO much for your support over these crazy months!!!